QUEENS - FEB 3. JIB Lanes was quiet last night as Yitzi Tepper entered it, prepared for a night of bowling fun. But things were far normal, as 100 ninjas immediately sprung out of the shadows and attacked him. Yitzi was quick to act.

The ninjas lay waiting for Yitzi for seventy-three hours, a true test of their devotion and leg muscles.

Yitzi immediately sprung into action, "socking," as he so succintly put it, 14 of the ninjas in the head with one montrous uppercut move. Three of the ninjas then charged at Yitzi, but he got rid of them by freezing time and then slowly tapping each of them in the chest, knocking them backwards and into the bar. This was when the ninjas with the swords advanced. There were 17 of them in all, and Yitzi dealt with them by taking a 20-pound bowling ball in each hand and using them like a very illegal set of boxing gloves.

That left 66 ninjas left, but those ninjas were the most evil, talented, foul-smelling, resilient, and awesome ninjas of the group. 50 of them charged at Yitzi at once, but he kept his ground, being the warrior that he is. He calmly dealt his quick blows to the 50 ninjas, knocking them all out within 13 seconds. He still had not a scratch on him. The 16 ninjas left huddled together in order to form a strategy. Yitzi allowed them this, for he knew they had no chance against him.

Yitzi, about to kick one of them crazy ninjas in the head.

Suddenly, in a puff of putrid smoke, the huddled group of ninjas vanished. They had become invisible, and were now fighting Yitzi on their terms. But Yitzi could handle that. Relying only on his powers of sound and smell, he pinpointed the exact location of 14 of the ninjas, and quickly dispatched of them. There were now only two left. They became visible again, but only in order to taunt Yitzi.

Of course, this would prove to be their undoing. Yitzi was ready for them. As soon as he was able to see the ninjas, he raced over to where they stood. He swung at the ninja on the right, and his punch landed in the ninja's face with such force that the ninja's head fell off the top of his body, rolled down the bowling lane, and knocked down all of the pins.

"Strike!" cried Yitzi, and turned to face the final ninja. He was the most evil one of all and wore a special Burger King crown in order to alert people to his evilness. "You die!" cried the ninja, as he began to charge at Yitzi. But Yitzi jumped into the air, froze time, then walked up the ninja's body, kicked him in the face, had a drink, and unfroze time again. The battle was done, and Yitzi had once again saved the borough of Queens from the threat of the evil Crazy-Awesome Ninjas.

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