This week, I will be reviewing the Steven Spielberg movie, "Catch Me If You Can." Since it is a Spielberg film, there is a nice little ending where everyone comes together, confesses their sins, and is happy. Obviously, I hated it.

Tom Hanks, one of the stars. He just ate a shitload of Chinese food.

Now, I didn't want to hate the movie from the get-go. I wanted to give it a chance, because after all, it is a movie about a guy pretending to be someone else so that he can steal money from big companies. But of course, they give it to Spielberg, the shithead of a director who has to make everything "family-friendly." You know what's "family-friendly"?! My ass is family friendly!

The movie gets off to a dismal start, showing Christopher Walken receiving an award for doing some shit. I didn't really care. I was just waiting for the cheating, lying, stealing, and premarital sex. While there were a few nuggets of sinning in the beginning of the film, it was all so fucking downplayed that it was downright boring. I felt like eating the family of four sitting in the row in front of me. I did, and that made me feel slightly better. But not really fulfilled.

Leonardo Dicaprio, pretending to be a driver. I wish Leonardo Dicaprio actually was a driver.

My wait was soon over, though, because soon Leo ran away and started pretending to be a pilot. He fucked a stewardess for no reason, which was extra-awesome, because I think she was committing statutory rape. Then, when he was in Florida, Tom Hanks started following him, and made the best joke I have ever heard. It went like this:

Tom Hanks: Knock, knock.(in his annoying Boston accent, of course.)
Other Guys: Who's there?
Tom Hanks: (waits a second, and then hits it.) Go fuck yourselves.

Leo again, this time dancing on a bed. This role is a big stretch for him, but he has experience, from the "dancing on a table" scene in "Titanic"

How awesome is that? I would've cried laughing, if my tears weren't made of lava. That was really it for exciting sinning in this movie, though, and that kind of pissed me off. I would've liked it much better if someone, anyone, had been murdered. I mean, the entire movie passes, and not a single person gets shot? What the fuck is that?

I should also mention how much the accents in this movie pissed me off. Tom Hanks did this really annoying New England accent the entire time. I thought I was going to breathe flame over the entire screen, it was that fucking irritating. And Leo was trying to do a "New Rochelle" accent, whatever the fuck that is, but stunk at it. At some points, he just completely gave up. But when he did it, it was fucking annoying.

Tom Hanks and Leonardo Dicaprio, inside the transit center frequented by the strangest, most disgusting people you've ever scene. Kennedy Airport.

This time I saw the movie in a small, cramped theater in New Jersey. You know why? Because New Jersey's hell, that's why! Anyway, I hated this movie, but I couldn't give it a crappy score because of the "go fuck yourselves" joke. I give it one and a half burning skulls.