In an amazingly odd chain of events, Osama bin Laden, famed leader of the Al Queda terror organization and star of many home videos, has enrolled in DRS and joined the basketball team there after being ousted from his post in Al Queda. This comes at a very odd time for the basketball team, which has recently lost every single good player they have, excluding Yitzi Tepper and Uri Orenbuch.

Osama shoots around with some neighborhood kids.

The oddest part of the entire episode is the mystery surrounding Osama's departure from Al Queda. Some theorists claim that he had cheated on his entrance exam by hiding the answers in his excessively long beard. Others like to believe that he simply failed out of Al Queda, due to his deficiencies in the "being normal" and "not being a homicidal maniac" classes, and he feels that it is unfair that those classes are given seperate grades, because they are basically the same thing.

When asked whether he has any security worries, Rabbi Kaminetsky reportedly said, "This shouldn't be a problem. We've had scares before. I mean, remember Kaulker? That kid was nuts. I'm sure that the achdut environment that our school provides will enrich Osama Yankel Shlomo bin Laden and turn him from his evil ways of blowing up building and talking to girls. And anyway, if anything goes wrong, we have the team of Tom, Tony, and Boris to handle it." Then Mr. Feldman made a bad joke and nobody laughed.

Of course, this new addition was a big adjustment for the team. Eli Mansdorf, co-captain said "Osama definitely has mad skills. I mean - Ashkenazy, shut up! - he's learned a lot in Afghanistan, - Ashkenazy, stop it! - and I'm quite amazed at how well he can - that's it!" The interview ended early because Eli had to destroy Ashkenazy. The only one else who could comment was Babich, but he was too busy having long hair.

The addition of Osama will hopefully better the team's chances of winning a championship and boost attendance. Wilbur the Wildcat has already been reduced to stripping to bring the crowds in, and even that isn't working. For these reasons, the entire team and school are looking forward to the rest of the season with excitement.

This site has absolutely no connection with DRS.
To write for this site, email DRSTurnip@hotmail.com.