First of all, I would like to thank the publishers of this lovely internet magazine for allowing me to be their film critic. Of course, they only agreed after I threatened to continuously brand their buttocks with my name for all of eternity and boil all of their children in a steaming stew of blood, urine, and semen. One of the good things about being Satan is the job security.

Jack Nicholson,acting like a fucking moron.

Today I will be reviewing the film "About Schmidt," starring Jack Nicholson as Warren R. Schmidt, a worthless little motherfucker of a retired insurance salesman. A little while into the movie, the whiny little bitch gets lonely because his wife dies and he doesn't have anything to fuck anymore. I seriously can't stand this loser. He's just another sack of shit who hasn't done anything productive in his life and is still going to get a free ticket to heaven because that's just the way God is. Oh god, do I hate God.

Some stupid people getting married. This happens in the movie.

The only worthwhile part of the movie came about halfway through, when Warren visits another family in a trailer park that he parks his dead wife's Winnebago in. I really can't believe his wife. If I were her, I'd haunt that fucking Winnebago until Warren shat his pants in fear and lit the thing on fire in a murderous rage. Then, he'd hopefully go to public place and kill a bunch of people in a big bloodbath. No such luck. The only sinning that Warren does comes in this one fucking stupid scene where Warren and this other trailer park white trash family get drunk and the husband leaves to get more beer and Warren tries to fuck the guy's wife. Yeah, that's a run-on sentence. What are you gonna do about it? I'm Satan, for fuck's sake. Anyway, the guy's wife refuses Warren and the guy cries and drives away. And then he has this whole fucking boring scene where he looks at the sky and talks to his dead wife and realizes he probably shouldn't have married the stupid bitch in the first place. What a horny loser.

Kathy Bates, with some sort of ghostly jello mold on her head.

The rest of the movie continued being as boring as possible until Kathy Bates showed up. I didn't really give a shit what was going on at this point so I don't know who she played. All I know is she played a foul-mouthed woman who had her first orgasm at the age of six. Now that's my kind of girl. Anyway, she basically sent herself straight to me (though I'm not sure if I'm going to let her in) when she showed up completely naked. When I saw that, I felt like I had died and gone to hell. In hell. I somehow I had left the worst place in existence and gone to some other place that is much, much worse. A place for people who are even so bad that hell is too good for them. I felt like my eyes were burning out, which was very hard to do, because my eyes are ever-burning flames. It was possibly the most disturbing scene I have ever scene in any movie. Ever. I loved it.

Her nude body makes everything evil.

By the way, I should probably mention that I saw this movie in a theater that was 3000 fucking degrees. Do you know why? Because it's in hell, that's why! But that didn't affect my rating of this movie. At first, I hated it because it was major boring shit, but the Kathy Bates scene pretty much saved the movie. I give it 3 burning skulls.